i hate new york? or maybe just my career

i'm feeling like i'm on a rollercoaster of career emotions: i'm going to leave theatre completely and become a ???; i'm going to transition to directing; i'm going to continue to take my scene study 'cause i love it, but i'm not going to pursue acting anymore; i'm going to move to the country and learn how to knit; blah, blah, blah

have been seriously thinking about where else i could live and what else i could do. i looked at craigs list for apartments in Seattle. then looked at jobs in LA. (there were a couple of interesting arts education jobs at the Mark Taper Forum/Center Theatre Group) looked at craigslist apartments in LA.

don't really know what to do.

the only two reasons for me to stay in new york are friends and acting.
1) my acting career is stalled and
2) i NEVER SEE MY FRIENDS.

i tried to organize several get-togethers over the summer, someone was always out of town or backing out last minute. have finally organized something but couldn't get everyone (5 of us) in the same room at the same time until Thursday Oct 30. if that doesn't work out we probably won't see each other until January....

so why am i staying here in this miserable place?

this morning i tried to go get some blood work done before work. i left my house at 8:20 for an 8:45 appointment. at 8:45 i was underground being told that "this train is going out of service, please exit the train" and standing on the platform with 400 other people. when i finally arrived for my appointment there were people who still hadn't been seen for their 8:15 appointments. i waited until 9:15 (evil, mean receptionist giving dagger looks to everyone in the room, yelling people's names out) then crossed my name off the list and got on the train again. got to work at 10:00. lovely.

i mean, why do it put up with the meaness and anger? i listen to meditations and soothing "brainwave" music on the train and i still can't calm down. when i feel like i'm really going to explode and the soothing "brainwaves" aren't working i listen to punk instead.